Suddenly

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When most of your life things suddenly leaped up on you and took you down, how can you continue to walk ahead without constantly looking around in fear of the next attack?

You can try to remind yourself of all the coping techniques you have learnt about. Everything is not all bad, it’s about perspective, you’re stronger than before etc – you know the drill.

But despite all those well-intentioned teachings, deep down you still feel the same. Nothing erases that primal fear that has been deepening within you since an early age.

Sleep

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Sleep can be such a difficult issue to handle when one’s going through depression or anxiety. From personal experience, first, it’s hard to fall asleep. Thoughts keep racing. Fears camp in your mind. After some time, the mind tires and I doze off. Phase Two, bad dreams. They just pop by and disturb the sleep you so difficultly attained. They take away the peace you had hoped sleep would bring. The final difficulty – is waking up from that sleep. Once you get used to just lying down, no matter how unpleasant, it just unfortunately feels like the safest option. Everything related to waking up is scary, and draining. Some days it feels impossible to get up. It’s so hard that even the physical body rejects the idea of waking up by aching all over and becoming heavy (amongst other things). This three-stage battle is fought every day. And I think we need to reward ourselves for being able to make through it. I don’t know yet what that reward is though.

I need to write

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My therapist says I need to write to express my emotions. But when you feel emotionally numb most of the time and are unaware of what is making you “randomly” cry, head hurt, chest pain, body ache, feel dizzy, lose hope, then what are you to do? Should I focus on what’s bad or wrong in life, but that shit is there all the time and it comes and goes, and I have made (rational) peace with that. But I’ve tried everything else. So even though I don’t know how writing things down, things I already verbally rant about to others, will help, I will give it a try. Sidenote: how weird is it to come across your old posts and see the person you were, the things that affected you, how you thought etc. Not weird in a disgusting way. But weird like ‘huh, in.ter.es.ting’