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“One day I realised that when you do something with your whole being simply because you love to do it, you experience life as it should be lived.” – Way Bandy

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Going on

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Today I feel extreme awe for those who continue to go on. Those who continue to fight, move ahead, and even thrive despite all the frustrations that is thrown at them. Sometimes it gets really hard and your body just wants to give up, but somehow you are still here. And for that, you deserve accolades.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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I just want to take a moment to say how great this show is, and how much I love it. I may write about certain episodes or themes in detail in the future. But for now, I just wanted to pen down my strong admiration for this show as nothing has moved me as much recently. Off to regular weekend stuff now.

Sleep

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Sleep can be such a difficult issue to handle when one’s going through depression or anxiety. From personal experience, first, it’s hard to fall asleep. Thoughts keep racing. Fears camp in your mind. After some time, the mind tires and I doze off. Phase Two, bad dreams. They just pop by and disturb the sleep you so difficultly attained. They take away the peace you had hoped sleep would bring. The final difficulty – is waking up from that sleep. Once you get used to just lying down, no matter how unpleasant, it just unfortunately feels like the safest option. Everything related to waking up is scary, and draining. Some days it feels impossible to get up. It’s so hard that even the physical body rejects the idea of waking up by aching all over and becoming heavy (amongst other things). This three-stage battle is fought every day. And I think we need to reward ourselves for being able to make through it. I don’t know yet what that reward is though.

I need to write

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My therapist says I need to write to express my emotions. But when you feel emotionally numb most of the time and are unaware of what is making you “randomly” cry, head hurt, chest pain, body ache, feel dizzy, lose hope, then what are you to do? Should I focus on what’s bad or wrong in life, but that shit is there all the time and it comes and goes, and I have made (rational) peace with that. But I’ve tried everything else. So even though I don’t know how writing things down, things I already verbally rant about to others, will help, I will give it a try. Sidenote: how weird is it to come across your old posts and see the person you were, the things that affected you, how you thought etc. Not weird in a disgusting way. But weird like ‘huh, in.ter.es.ting’